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Well, I had a nice 4 days off. Moved all the stuff out of my apartment, and enjoyed the the last few days in a totally empty 2 bedroom, 2 bath, apartment.  Just a laptop, a sleeping bag on a Thai mattress, and certain state of Zen.

Now it’s time to get back to work.  Since we are in the middle of a change freeze that lasts until the end of the year, it was requested the we create charts, graphs , and flowcharts for the systems we manage.  Below is the work flowchart I came up with for the next few weeks.

              YES   =============================   NO
       +-----------|| Does the Darn Thing work? ||-----------+
       |            =============================            |
       V                                                     V
  +----------+     +---------+                          +---------------+
  |   Don't  |  NO |   Does  |       +-------+     YES  | DID ATTEMPT   |
  |   mess   | +---|  anyone |<------|  YOU  |<---------| TO FIX THE    |
  | with it! | |   |  know?  |       | MORON |          | PROBLEM WORK? |
  +----------+ |   +---------+       +-------+          +---------------+
       |       V          | YES                                 |  NO
       |  +-----------+   +------+                              |
       |  |DESTROY THE|          V                              V
       |  |EVIDENCE   |   +----------------+             +------------+
       |  +-----------+   |                |        YES  | Does anyone|
       |       |          |    YOUR        |<------------| know?      |
       |       |          |      FIRED!    |             +------------+
       |       |          |                |                   |  NO
       |       |          |                |                   |
       |       |          +----------------+                   V
       |       |                                         +-----------+
       |       |                                         |DESTROY THE|
       |       |                                         |  EVIDENCE |
       |       |                                         +-----------+
       |       |                                               |
       |       |                                               |
       |       |        ============================           |
       |       +------>||           N O            ||<---------+
       +-------------->||      P R O B L E M       ||
                        ============================

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and
re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven
and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, ‘Patricia,
you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!’
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took
the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep………………SHE’S BLONDE!

SPANISH WORDS OF THE DAY (SAY SENTENCE WITH SPANISH ACCENT)

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My wife gets mad and I don’t even know water problem is!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF
My homie farted so bad, and I couldn’t brief .

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Yo, when all my familia gets in the car, there’s not mushroom.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, yo loco, liver alone , cheese mine.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn’t wafer me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn’t know how to do it, I could tissue.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HARASSMENT
My old lady caught me in bed wit my lover so I said harassment nothing to me!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn’t cashew!

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP
We went out to the club and my lady got drunk and fell down, so I had to pick the bishop.

SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey man, I’m looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him!

Did you know that…

Sarah Palin does not have 5 kids, she actually has 7. Their names are Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, Trig, Chuck Norris, and Jack Bauer.

The Northern Lights are really just the reflection from Sarah Palin’s eyes.

The Russians sold Alaska to America because Sarah Palin would not submit to autocracy.

The Arctic Circle runs through Alaska so the Sun can have some relief from Sarah Palin’s bright glare.

Sarah Palin is allowed first dibs on Alaskan wolfpack kills.

Sarah Palin is so pro-life that she personally hog-tied two reps from Planned Parenthood who came knocking at her door.

It’s not raining in DC. Those are God’s tears of joy that McCain picked Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin’s hotness is the largest single contributor to melting polar ice caps.

Sarah Palin is the “other” whom Yoda spoke about.

Sarah Palin’s presence in the lower 48 means the Arctic ice cap can finally return.

Sarah Palin fired Jack Bauer because he was too soft in dealing with terrorists.

Sarah Palin’s pageant career ended early so other women could have a chance.

Sarah Palin’s son Track is going to Iraq after the Surge, because a Palin during the Surge would have been unfair.

Sarah Palin wears glasses lest her uncontrollable optic blasts slaughter everyone. (X-Men reference)

Sarah Palin actually has Big Foot in her freezer.

Sarah Palin gave a speech in Texas after her water broke before flying home to Alaska to give birth. (Actually true)

Sarah Palin doesn’t need a gun to hunt. She has been known to throw a bullet through an adult bull elk.

Sarah Palin once spilled coffee on Joe Biden & one of his $400 ties from Pink.

Sarah Palin keeps her hair in a beehive to hide her ninja weaponry.

Sarah Palin will personally open a homemade can of whoopa** on Ahmadinejad, Putin, and Chavez as soon as she’s done making mooseburgers for her kids.

A grizzly bear once tried to stare down Sarah Palin. Once.

Sarah Palin will send Joe Biden a pre-debate cheat sheet. The sheet will have tips on defending against Kung Fu Death Grip.

Sarah Palin became governor because five children left her with too much spare energy.

Sarah Palin will give birth to the man who will lead humanity’s war against the machines. (Terminator reference)

Three of Sarah Palin’s 5 kids came out sideways and she never flinched.

Global Warming doesn’t kill polar bears. Sarah Palin does. Generally with her bare hands.

Sarah Palin was the original “Deadliest Catch.”

Sarah Palin paid her way through school by hunting for Kodiak pelts with a slingshot.

Alaska is the 49th state solely because they knew even in 1959 that Sarah Palin never finishes last.

Chuck Norris wishes he was Sarah Palin trapped in a man’s body.

Sarah Palin got Tom Brady pregnant, and then left him.

Sarah Palin killed and ate the Grizzly Man.

Sarah Palin killed and ate Frank Murkowski.

Sarah Palin once won the Iditarod without any dogs. She simply willed the sled to victory.

Sarah Palin wears half the makeup that John Edwards wears and still looks like twice the woman he does.

Sarah Palin once guided Santa’s sleigh through an Alaskan blizzard with the light from her smile.

Sarah Palin fishes salmon by convincing them it’s in their interest to jump into the boat.

DEMOCRAT – You have two cows..
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICAN – You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST – You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST – You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE – You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE – You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION – You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.